I have this one friend, and lesbians REALLY like her. Or, to be more politically correct, girls-who-like-girls-but-sometimes-like-guys-as-well like her. This is really distressing to my friend, let’s call her N, because she really doesn’t like girls.

                In middle school, there was one semi-lesbianish girl that was REALLY up in N’s grillz. We’ll call her Jim. In my head, because I’d never met her, Jim had Super Saiyan hair, all the time.

N would tell me and my friend E about the creepy shit that Jim would do, such as some serious boob rapage and weird panties comments. One time, Jim butt called N while N, E and I were all hanging out.

N: Hello?

Jim:*giggling*

N: Uhh…Jim?

Jim:*weirder giggling*

N: Jim? Uhhhmm…

Jim: Oh? Oh, hey N! Sorry.

N: It’s okay, I mean, you just called me while you were having sex, no big deal.

Jim: No, no! Just making out on my bed.

                First of all, this was gross because we were in middle school, and, like, 4 years old. And of course I imagined the scene going on on the other side of the phone to be like this:

                But still, it WAS middle school, when we all thought we were SO goddamn cool, and somehow N ended up with a date to the movies with some 9^th grader. Staying with the we’re-so-cool middle school attitude, E and I decided it was necessary to stalk their date, especially because it was N’s first date, and N pretty much condoned the creeping.

                So we creeped along in hoodies in sunglasses. We could tell it would be a weird night when we saw an It. The It was strange, at first I said to E, “Is that…a girl? On a date with that other girl?” And the other girl was an above-average looking girl, so why would she be dating and It? Unfortunately, E and I both have terrible eye sight and couldn’t tell from our distance whether or not the strange specimen with long luscious blonde hair also had a pair of nuts. 

                So E and I continued stalking. We considered it practice for when we become professional bounty hunters. We sat RIGHT behind N and Date.  I think we saw Batman, because I specifically remember E and I talking like obnoxious assholes behind them about the specifics of the movie and Date turning around and being like

                As the movie progressed, E and I felt less and less like we should be there, as we watched our friend slip lower and lower into her seat, and closer and closer to Date’s guy-body.

E: Is she..?

Me: No, she wouldn’t. Not here…

E: But her head is like, IN his crotch right now.

Me: But we don’t really…KNOW…

                At the end of the movie, we got the fuck out of that theatre, not daring to see what had occurred, and went to the bathroom, figuring N would take the hint and head there too.

                When she met us there, we began a conversation of Caps Lock that should definitely not be held in a public bathroom.

N: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU TWO?

Us: What?

N: HE JUST BOOB RAPED ME AND WHAT DID YOU TWO DO ABOUT IT? NOTHING!

E: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

Me: YOU WERE PRETTY ALL OVER HIM IF YOU ASK ME!

N: I WAS NOT! HE WAS FUCKING SCRATCHING MY NIPPLE OFF!

                People started leaving the bathroom. We continued stupid Caps Lock fighting ended with

N: FINE! WHATEVER! FUCK YOU GUYS! WAIT FIVE MINUTES UNTIL AFTER I LEAVE TO FOLLOW.

E: She’s a retard.

N: I FUCKING HEARD THAT.

                We did not wait five minutes because we’re bastards. We pretty just followed her out. Apparently, the It and girlfriend had seen the same movie as us, because they too were hanging around afterwards waiting for a ride.

                Several things then happened at once. We saw the It up close. NOT A PRETTY SIGHT. Apparently it was a guy, with knee length well-washed blonde hair and a SERIOUS acne-problem. Hanging off of the Itish Thing, was the moderately good looking girl, who saw N, and went to talk to her, along with Itish Thing. Suddenly a collision of memories combined in my mind and an epiphany of the purest proportions occurred. I went to middle school with Jim, E did not, and though I’d never had any classes with her, I must have still seen her around. The realization that Jim was not a Super Saiyan but was dating and Itish Thing who knew both N and Date, nearly knocked me to my knees, pulling E down with me.

                This is why we just decided to stay home and drink her parent’s liquor in high school.